The Curse of the Bad Fanfiction
by bleak reality
Summary: A parody of Harry Potter fanfiction - for all those who hate OC's and OOCness (was called The New Girl)
1. The Appearance of Mary Sue

The New Girl - A parody of Harry Potter fanfiction. Have fun, don't kill me.

There was movement at the station, for the word had passed around that there was a new girl joining Hogwart's school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

In his usual compartment on the Hogwarts Express with Hermione (and Ron), Harry pressed his nose against the glass and looked out at Platform 9 3/4.

"Do you see her?" Ron asked. No one answered him, because no one ever cares what the sidekick has to say.

"Do you see her?" Hermione asked. As the token love interest, she was slightly more important than Ron was.

"Yes," said Harry.

The new girl was tall, slender, and rather obviously stunning. Long straight raven-black hair fell over her right shoulder. However, on the left-hand side of her head, short platinum hair was gelled into spikes. The reason for this rather bizarre style was that the author couldn't decide which extreme would be cooler, so she had opted out and chosen both.

As the girl turned to face the train, her eyes met Harry's. An electric jolt went through him, and smoke came out his ears (nobody noticed this but Ron, but nobody noticed that Ron noticed because Ron simply wasn't worth noticing). The girl's right eye was silver and her left eye was emerald green. Again, this was due to the indecisiveness of the author.

Harry swallowed; his mouth suddenly dry. He lapsed into a dream sequence . . .

__

The girl was smiling at him coyly. Out of her right shoulder blade grew a white angel wing, out of her left a black demon's wing. I'm sure you know why this was. She stepped closer to Harry, raising a pale hand to trace the line of his lightening bolt scar. She leaned in slowly, and was just about to kiss him when -

The dream sequence cut at a convenient interruption from Hermione.

"Harry?"

"Mmm?"

"Nothing. I forgot what I was going to say."

"You were going to ask why he was drooling against the window," Ron said, but of course no one noticed because . . . you know by now.

Harry looked back out of the window but couldn't see the girl. Suddenly there was a knock at the door of their compartment. They all turned around.

The girl was in the doorway.

"Hi," she said, not in the least bit shy. "My name's Mary-Sue O'So-cool. What's your name?"

Harry gawped. "You mean you don't know me?"

"No, I only moved into this country a month ago, how could I know you?"

"Never mind," he stammered. "I'm Harry Potter."

"I'm Hermione Granger."

"I'm Ron Weasley."

"Hi Harry, Hi Hermione, pleased to meet you. Mind if I sit down?"

"Not at all."

Mary-Sue sat down, tossing the long part of her hair over her shoulder. Harry tried not to drool.

"Where are you from?" asked Hermione.

"Australia. My family just moved here."

"Did you go to a wizarding school there?"

"No, I didn't even know I was a witch until last Tuesday."

"Really?"

Harry just stared while Hermione kept the conversation going.

"Yes. I'm kind of worried seeing I don't know the first thing about magic."

"You'll catch up," Hermione smiled. "It's only four years work you've missed out on."

"Thanks, you guys are such great friends." And of course this was a perfectly okay thing to say, because this was a Mary-Sue fanfiction after all, and everyone knows that things were allowed to happen that didn't make the slightest bit of sense.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ahem, sorry. Got a bit carried away...

The whole school sat in the Great Hall, watching as Mary-Sue made her way up the centre aisle. Every eye was on her, and many of the boys, and a few girls, were trying hard not to stare. As she reached the teacher's table Dumbledore stood up, smiling widely.

"Welcome back everyone to another fun filled year. As you've obviously noticed, we have a new student with us, Mary-Sue O'So-cool. I'm sure you will all make her welcome. Now, where's that sorting hat got to?" he trailed off, glancing around for the hat.

"Uh, Professor," Mary-Sue pointed, "It's on your head."

"Ah yes, so it is." He pulled out his wand and pointed it at the hat. "_Float-osa_." The hat floated up, across toward Mary-Sue, then landed on her head. And said nothing.

Silence. Mary-Sue faced the whole school, her hands shaking just a little bit.

Harry realised he was holding his breath. (His face was turning purple.)

Then the hat took a deep breath and spoke.

"She's going to go into . . . "

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

To Be Continued!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

READ AND REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The author sits back with an evil cackle rubbing her hands together.

"Mwhahahaha!!!!!! This will buy me time to decide which house I, sorry, _she_ will go into!!! Or maybe I should ask the reviewers to vote????"

A pause. The author's conscience speaks up.

"Oh come on, don't have a cliffhanger this soon. You know you want to continue. Just finish the damn chapter already."

"Fine, fine." With a sigh, the author continues typing . . .)

"Gryffindor!" yelled the hat.

The Gryffindors began clapping and cheering like they had when Harry first came, except they said 'We got O'So-cool' instead of 'We got Potter'. The rest of the school sulked for no apparent reason.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ sorry, sorry. I did it again. :b

It was in their first Potions class that Mary-Sue met Draco. You see, the author (who is rather silly) couldn't think of a way to include Draco earlier. Also, she couldn't think of how to make the Potions lesson interesting. So she thought, 'Hell. Let them duel in the middle of class, that will take up time!!!!!'

Draco sneered at Mary-Sue.

"So you're the new girl."

"Yes. I am."

Draco sneered.

"Is there something wrong with your face?"

Draco would have stopped sneering but at that moment the wind changed.

"No, he's always like that," Ron said helpfully. Of course no one noticed.

At that moment Snape entered the room, grease dripping from his hair. He snarled at the class and began to lecture them about something vague and dangerous, but he didn't notice Mary-Sue and Draco glaring at each other in the back row.

"I challenge you to a wizard's duel."

"Fine," Mary-Sue said. Despite only knowing she was a witch since last Tuesday, she seemed to know exactly what a wizard's duel was. "Hermione's my second."

"Harry's my second."

"What?" Harry frowned. "We're enemies. Why should I support you?"

"Uhh . . . " Draco blushed. Suddenly Harry noticed how attractive Draco was . . .

"Hold on!" Hermione yelled. Snape went right on teaching, pausing only to deduct 50 points from Gryffindor. "Harry, until thirty seconds ago, you hated Malfoy's guts. Don't tell me you - "

"Sorry, but I do. I love him. Malfoy, uh Draco, I love you."

At that moment the wind changed again and Draco stopped sneering to smile sweetly at Harry.

"Wonderful, now I can declare openly my love for you instead of hiding in the closet, ahem, I mean shadows. No longer must I write unsigned love letters to you, I can sing my poetry to the world!"

"Hey," Ron protested, "I'm in love with Harry. You can't love him."

"Hey," Hermione protested, "I'm in love with Harry. You can't love him."

"I can so!"

"No you can't," Mary-Sue pulled out her wand, glaring at them all. "I'm his one true love! Why do you think I even turned up in this stupid story?"

Snape seemed about to add something to their discussion when Harry raised his wand too.

"No way Professor. I draw the line at Hermione, if you try say _you_ love me I think I'll be sick."

"And he won't be the only one," but of course no one noticed Ron's rather bad joke.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor Potter," then Snape returned to growling at his class.

"Okay," Draco reasoned. "Who votes we duel for Harry's love?"

"Oh man, not again." All heads turned as a teenage boy in muggle clothes appeared in the doorway. He ran his hands through his nondescript mousy brown hair. "I am so sick of having to fix this up. Won't you kids ever learn that you can't break all these rules?"

"Who are you?" asked Mary-Sue.

"I'm Blake Reality. I'm sorry that I have to ruin your little game here, but this time it's gone way too far."

(The author gapes at the screen as her hands continue typing independent of her brain (though that was hardly a rare occurrence).

"What's that evil boy doing in my work of art?")

"Thank God someone's here to sort all this out," Hermione smiled.

"You're as guilty as the rest," Blake snapped. "I am really getting sick of you all acting so stupidly."

Blank faces faced him. He sighed, pulling out his wand from the belt of his jeans.

"Okay, I'll fix Ron first."

"Oh my God!" Ron yelled. "You can see me?"

"Of course I can see you."

"Is he talking to himself?" Mary-Sue whispered to Hermione.

__

"Fix-up-atum!"

"Hey!" Harry stared at the red haired boy who was suddenly beside him. "Who are you?"

"Ron Weasley, I'm your best friend."

"Pull the other one."

"You're next Harry," Blake raised his wand.

"Next for what?"

__

"Fix-up-atum!"

Harry froze. Slowly, a look of intelligence formed in his eyes. He looked around the room, dazed. "Ron!" he cried. "I know you! Why didn't I recognise you before?"

"You were under a curse Harry," Blake explained. "The curse of the bad fanfiction."

(The author's eyes roll back in her head as her fingers continue to type against her will.

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")

One by one, Blake fixed the others. Draco leapt away from where he'd been draped over Harry, Hermione's IQ raised above average again, and Snape realised there was a strange boy in his classroom and that no one was listening to him rant about daisies.

"Now," Blake turned to Mary-Sue, who raised her arms above her head.

"Please don't hurt me!"

"Oh come off it. We all know you couldn't possibly exist."

"Wha-why not?" she stammered, still looking impossibly gorgeous.

"Well, just look at yourself." The other students looked closer at the new girl. "You're smarter than Hermione, more powerful than Harry, a better friend than Ron, and you can face off Draco without even losing your cool. Plus you're impossibly gorgeous. I'm sorry Mary-Sue but you're just too good."

"Oh. Darn."

"Plus you're incapable of swearing."

"I am not!"

"Enough of this. _Fix-up-atum_!"

With a poof, Mary-Sue O'So-cool disappeared from the face of the earth. Blake smiled.

"Sorry to interrupt your class Professor, but I had to lift a curse. Bye now!"

And he left.

(The author sits forward, breathing heavily. She regains control of her hands and attempts to repair the story. But at every attempt, pain lances through her fingers and she cannot delete what Blake Reality did.

So she gives up and just writes her author's notes at the end.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Well, I hope you enjoyed my oh so wonderfully cool ficcy! ^_^ I loved Mary-Sue, did you? And Draco and Harry would be so cute together huh? Pity nasty-person Blake spoiled things for them ... grrrrr.

Aaaaany way, PLEASE REVIEW THIS FIC! IT WOULD MEAN THE WORLD TO ME! I'll give you cookies if you do, or donuts, or chocolate, or apples if you're on a diet.

Aaaaand seeing I am so amazingly cool, if ne1 criticises my work of art I will either delete their review or flame them right back, mwhahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luv yas!

REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!!!!!!!

~ The Author

(Now for the REAL author's apologies - This is purely in fun, and not meant to offend anyone. It's simply a collection of some things that bug me in fanfiction writing, specifically the Harry Potter fandom. Please don't take it to heart, but if you do . . . flamers will be arrested on grounds of arson. ::smiles sweetly:: I hope you enjoyed this, I certainly enjoyed writing it. Oh, and Blake Reality isn't meant to be me, although I'd love to pop up and make all Mary-Sue's disappear for good. See you 'round.)


	2. The Return of the Curse of the Bad Fanfi...

The Return of the Curse of the Bad Fanfiction

Starring The Evil Author, Disappearing Ron, Silly Hermione, Harry and Draco Madly Making Out, and Lenient Snape. With some cameo appearances from other fandoms!

Harry sat down at breakfast, dumping his bag beside him on the table.

"Hullo Ron."

"Hullo Harry."

"Hullo Hermione."

"Hullo Harry."

He paused. Frowning, he turned to his friends.

"Is it just me or did that sound particularly inane?"

Ron gazed contemplatively at his marmalade toast.

"No."

"It's just that I've been a bit paranoid since that Mary-Sue incident," Harry sprinkled brown sugar on his porridge.

"I know what you mean," Ron nodded. "If someone bumps into me I freak out because I think I've become invisible again."

"What subjects do we have today?"

"Umm," Ron consulted his timetable. "Quadruple Potions and Triple Divination."

"That's odd, I thought we had Care of Magical Creatures."

"Who's the teacher for that?"

"Duh, Hagrid. Don't you remember? The one who rescued me from the Dursleys? The one with Norbert the Dragon? The one who set us onto those giant spiders? The one we proved innocent and saved from a fate worse than death in Azkaban? The one - "

"Okay, okay I remember. I just forgot he existed for a moment."

"You what?"

"I dunno, just for a second I forgot about how important he is. He just, faded."

"Weird."

"Mmmm," was Hermione's only comment. The boys looked at her. She was resting her chin on her hand, twirling her index finger around a strand of her hair as she gazed dreamily at . . . the staff table? At . . . ?

"Oh no," Harry paled.

At Professor Snape.

Ron made a choking sound and grabbed at Hermione's shoulder.

"Wake up! This isn't real Mione!" he yelled at her. She didn't move. And no one looked up at Ron's outburst. Nobody had noticed it. Breakfast continued at per usual around them. Ron swallowed, looking queasy.

"Harry, it's happening again."

The two friends looked at each other.

"The curse of the bad fanfiction!"

~~~~*~~~~

__

The author frowned. "They're not meant to notice. Ah well, I know the perfect distraction."

~~~~*~~~~

Suddenly the doors to the Great Hall opened. All heads turned. A spotlight trained itself on the figure in the doorway as music began from nowhere - the intro of George Thoroughgood's Bad to the Bone.

Harry stared, his mouth falling open.

The tall figure began to walk forward slowly, in time with the ripping guitars.

. ._ . I broke a thousand hearts before I met you; I'll break a thousand more baby before I am through . . ._

Wearing a tight black t-shirt, combat boots, and a long black leather wizard's robe, the boy glided up the aisle heading straight for Harry.

__

. . . I wanna be yours pretty baby, yours and yours alone . . .

Platinum blonde hair slicked back and stormy grey eyes shielded behind ultra-cool sunglasses, Draco Malfoy smiled seductively. Nobody seemed to notice as Harry stood up, jumped over the table, and threw himself into Draco's waiting arms.

Nobody except a boy with mousy brown hair and eyes of no particular shade.

"Oh no. Not again."

Striding down the aisle between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw table, Blake Reality pulled his wand from the belt of his jeans. Levelling it at the passionately kissing figures of Harry and Draco, he cried "_Fix-up-atum_!"

Nothing.

~~~~*~~~~

__

The author bursts out laughing.

~~~~*~~~~

Blake stared at his wand in horror. It had a split near the top - and the core of thylacine heartstring was missing.

~~~~*~~~~

__

The author grins. "Did you think I wouldn't disarm you Reality? You are in my_ world now! Cower under my POWER!!!"_

(Hey, that rhymed. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it!)

~~~~*~~~~

"Oh no!"

Ron grabbed at Blake's arm. "Can't you do anything?"

"I'm sorry Ron, but I can't fix this."

"Is he talking to himself?" A Ravenclaw girl asked her friend.

"All we can do is try and limit how far this goes until help comes."

"Help?"

"From another fandom. There's no one here who can help us now."

"Okay. You tackle those two and I'll try stop Hermione drooling over Snape."

"Um, Ron, she's already stopped."

"What?"

"She's uh . . . " Blake pointed. " . . . taken a sudden interest in your sister."

"WHAT?!"

Ron spun around. Ginny had abandoned her crumpets and was now straddling Hermione while she raked her fingers through the other girl's thick hair, and smothered her face in kisses.

"Oh my God."

"You're not homophobic I hope?" Blake asked the queasy looking boy.

"Not at all. If Ginny likes Hermione then I wish them both the best. But nobody should have to see their little sister's tongue doing that. Especially not to one of their best friends."

"Hopefully it won't last long. Here's a hose."

The rest of the school hadn't taken much notice up until this point, but once Blake and Ron began spraying their friends (except Draco wasn't a friend) with cold water and other students began to get wet, they noticed. However, they were reluctant to approach the plain looking boy, not to mention the fact that the other hose appeared to be moving around by itself.

~~~~*~~~~

__

"This is taking a rather nasty turn. I think it's time somebody made a comeback."

~~~~*~~~~

Suddenly the doors to the Great Hall opened. All heads turned as music began from nowhere - the intro of Static X's Cold.

The room turned dark. Mist rolled in from nowhere. The loud rock music thundered throughout the hall, and a figure appeared silhouetted in the doorway.

Blake laughed. The figure spoke, his voice cutting through the sound.

"I, am the Vampire Lestat."

~~~~*~~~~

__

"Hey! I wanted Mary-Sue, not him!"

~~~~*~~~~

A loud "Ooooooh" came from the students. For some reason, none of the teachers noticed a thing, including Dumbledore who was humming and eating lollies, and Snape, who was looking longingly at Hermione (who by now was on the floor with Ginny on top of her. Hermione didn't seem to mind this at all). 

Dressed in tight black leather pants and no shirt, Lestat slunk forward, moving with superhuman grace. Draco probably would have noticed the figure walking toward him if Harry hadn't had his legs wrapped around his waist at that point.

Blake stepped up to the Vampire.

"Hey Lestat, you made it."

"Yes Blake," he purred. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Everyone's horribly out of character, and Ron keeps disappearing. Could you help me sort this out?"

"Certainly - " but he was cut off as a flash of blue light dissipated the mist and darkness.

"POSSIBLE ABUSE REPORTED," a voice boomed. "ALL ANNE RICE CHARACTERS PLEASE LEAVE THE VICINITY."

"Curses," Lestat swore. "I'm sorry, but I have to go."

"But, please!" Ron begged, still training the hose on his little sister. "You have to help us!"

"I'm sorry mortal, I can't." And with a last ripping guitar solo, the Vampire Lestat left.

"Damn!" Blake aimed water at Draco again, dismayed that the Slytherin was undoing Harry's now soaking wet school robes. "We need help Ron. We can't hold this up much longer."

~~~~*~~~~

__

Realising a perfect opportunity for a cliffhanger, the evil author cheers and - 

"Oh no you don't," Blake snarled. "We're not waiting a week for you to decide what will happen next. You're going to finish this _now_!"

__

The author rolls her eyes. "Fine, fine."

~~~~*~~~~

Snape climbed over the staff table, drawing his wand.

"Of God no," Ron went even paler. "He's going to hex my sister and profess his undying love for Mione! Blake, do something!"

"The hose Ron! Squirt him!"

The red haired boy jumped onto the Gryffindor table, running along its length, sending pumpkin juice and waffles flying in all directions. Raising his hose, he turned the nozzle to full power.

"Don't you touch my sister!"

As the wall of water threw Snape all the way back to the staff table he managed to sputter; "Fifty points from Gryffindor for your cheek, Weasley!" before he landed in Professor Sprout's lap.

"Why Severus," she blushed. "I never knew you felt that way."

Blake gave up on his hose and began trying to pry Harry and Draco apart with a crowbar.

"This is going to hell fast." He cringed when he saw that Harry had his hands down Draco's black army pants. "I sure hope he doesn't remember this."

Suddenly the doors to the Great Hall opened. All heads turned. A spotlight trained itself on the figure in the doorway as music began from nowhere - the intro of Lunatic Calm's Leave You Far Behind.

"What's with everyone getting a spotlight and theme song?" Ron asked.

"Welcome to the world of bad fanfiction my friend," Blake smiled. "Anything goes."

A tall man stood there, wearing a tight black t-shirt, combat boots, and a long black leather overcoat. Ultra-cool sunglasses covered his eyes -

"Hey! He stole my outfit!" Draco peeled himself away from Harry and pointed at the newcomer. "How dare you!? I'll have to get a whole new wardrobe now, do you know how much - "

The man raised his hand and turned his cool gaze onto the Slytherin. "No."

That one tiny word froze the world. Every eye turned to the man in black.

"Who are you?" Ron whispered into the silence.

"My name," the man took off the glasses, "is Neo."

"From the Matrix," Blake supplied. "He's got this funky power and he can change whatever he wants."

"Cool," Ron turned off his hose. "So you can help us?"

Neo grinned. "Sure."

~~~~*~~~~

__

"NO! NO! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"

~~~~*~~~~

After that everything happened very quickly. Dumbledore realised that the Great Hall was flooded with water and maple syrup, Snape leapt away from Professor Sprout, Hagrid appeared out of nowhere and Ginny climbed off Hermione, apologising profusely.

"Oh golly Mione, I don't know what came over me - "

"It's okay Ginny," Hermione straightened her robes. "I hope whatever it was comes over you again, just somewhere more private next time."

"Hey," Ron tugged at Neo's sleeve. "You forgot to fix her."

"I did fix her. I guess she's just loosening up a bit."

Ron took a shaky breath. "Oh."

Draco hurried back to the Slytherin table, tucking in his shirt and combing back his hair. Harry's eyes followed him.

"Harry," Blake tapped him on the shoulder. "It's over, you can stop looking at him now."

"Why?"

"Um, because it's weird for you to be checking out your arch rival."

Harry shrugged. "Jus because I don't like him doesn't mean I can't admit he looks good."

Blake paused. He raised his wand (that Neo had fixed). "Harry, I don't think you're thinking straight."

"Look Blake, just because I wouldn't normally jump Malfoy in the middle of the Great Hall doesn't mean he and I have no chance whatsoever. He doesn't act so ferret-y any more, one day we might be friends."

"Okay," the boy lowered his wand. "But remember, it would be a _slow_ and _gradual_ change. So if anything begins to happen quickly, call me, because it's probably that pesky evil author again. Alright?"

Harry grinned. "Alright."

Dumbledore stood up, looking rather threatening. Blake smiled at the Gryffindors.

"Do try to keep out of trouble people," he waved, then he and Neo beat a hasty retreat, until the next time the curse of the bad fanfiction should be cast upon the unsuspecting students of Hogwarts.

~~~~*~~~~

__

The evil author gives up and leaves in a huff.

~~~~*~~~~

The End!

Author's Notes.

I had some new ideas and decided to write a new chapter. Thank you to everyone who reviewed before! I really didn't expect it.

I've got nothing against any of the pairings I ridicule here; all I'm saying is that sometimes they're very badly done. Harry and Draco _can_ be great together if they're handled by a good author. There are just very few of those. J 

BTW, can you guess my other obsessions besides Harry Potter?


End file.
